Shame Versus Guilt - Part 1
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There is a trend that parents are using to discipline their teens: shaming them on social media. One father noticed his daughter in a picture on Instagram holding a cell phone in one hand and what looked like lemonade in a water bottle in another. The mom added to the comment stream, “Why are you drinking? Is that a pipe in your hand?” His daughter was mortified and commented back, “It’s my cell phone!” to which her father commented, “Hmmmm.” Needless to say, the girl was embarrassed knowing the conversation was seen by all her friends.
Posting pictures of teens holding signs has become another popular trend. One mom took away her daughter’s social media after her daughter posted pictures of herself drinking alcohol—but not before she made her daughter post a picture letting all her friends know why. The mom took a picture of her daughter holding a sign that said, “I obviously am not mature enough to not post pictures of me drinking alcohol so until I mature, I will be taking a hiatus from Facebook.”
Cyberbullying is a serious problem in the social media age, and most parents are aware of the severity of peer-to-peer bullying. However, parental cyberbullying in the form of shaming on social media is just as bad, if not worse. Shaming on social won’t help fix a teen’s behavior but will likely increase sneakiness and resentment, which will only inhibit parent to child communication. On top of that, what you post may affect your child’s reputation and cause additional problems for them socially.
Chip Ingram states in the article Five Characteristics of Biblical Discipline, "We bring both words and actions, warnings and consequences, into our children's situations in order to keep them on track." Chip draws this conclusion from Hebrews 12, where the writer quotes from Proverbs 3:11, "two different Hebrew words are used: yasar (discipline), which involves God's actions; and yakach (rebuke), which refers to God's words. Hebrews 12:5 tells us not to make light of God's actions and not to lose heart at His words of rebuke. Yasar refers to disciplinary actions; yakach refers to corrective words."
Shame will not correct your child's actions, but using both words and actions that encourage correction will.
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Shame Versus Guilt - Part 2
Welcome back!
Do you find yourself withdrawing from your teen when he or she misbehaves? You may be unknowingly trying to psychologically control your teen, another term used for it is "guilt tripping."
We’ve been talking about the dangers of parenting using shame and guilt in this month’s video.
In an article in Reuters, researchers at the University of Virginia followed 184 people from when they were 13 to when they were 21. At ages 13, 18, and 21, the participants reported things like how much “psychological control” their parents exerted, how independent and self-confident they were, and how they conducted themselves in friendships and romantic relationships.
“Psychological control” is defined as using guilt, withdrawing love, fostering anxiety, or being manipulative to control a child. This could include a father giving his teen daughter the silent treatment or acting less friendly. Or, it could be a mom saying something like, “If you loved me, you wouldn’t do things like that knowing it worries me.”
These studies revealed that teenagers whose parents used emotional manipulation to try to control them more often than not end up in unhealthy relationships later in life. They are less able to work out disagreements, and have trouble establishing a sense of independence, and struggle with intimacy in friendships and with romantic partners.
There are a few things you can do to guard against “guilt-trip parenting.” You can pay attention to how you respond when your son or daughter misbehaves. If you find yourself withdrawing or ignoring your teen when they misbehave, you may be unknowingly trying to psychologically control them.
Jeff Myers recommends seeking repentance from God, brace yourself for the hard conversations with your child to come (eg., "I understand if you’re thinking, ‘Why should I listen to you?’ I don’t blame you and I’m sorry that my example has led you to think that way. What I’m asking you to do, though, is not to follow my example but to learn from my mistakes and do what God has revealed is right."), and lastly, exert influence at the best and challenging times (eg., You can love: “No matter what, I’ll be here.” and you can affirm: “Here’s something about you that makes a great deal of difference to me...”). Read the full article here: Parenting Without Guilt: How to be a Recovering Hypocrite and a Good Parent at the Same Time.
Hope this subject material to think about and utilize has been helpful!
See you next month!